Kavod

I grew up in a big family under an L-shaped home. My parents owned a dairy business, which I'm extremely allergic to. Not the business, but the milk, cheese and all the tremendously delicious stuff that sometimes I still eat at the risk of getting sick.

I was also raised with Christian beliefs. These beliefs, I feel, kept me safe as a child; but as I grew older these same convictions, also made me feel sheltered, and even hindered me spiritually. Perhaps because what I saw, what I learned, what I was told to follow, was very limiting not only spiritually but also intellectually. Sadly, it wasn't what it was supposed to mean, which is freedom... a sense of freedom and joy that many years later, I discovered on my own; the same way I discovered that I was very allergic to dairy when I became a vegan five years ago.

I have experienced different types of loves during the past 5 years of my life. I experienced the best romance ever, a glimpse of Kavod. All the other loves taught me something but this one really shook me to the core. The same love also turned sour, because it was missing something, it wasn't meant to be anymore, as we grew one or the other didn't belong anymore. Therefore, I also had a taste of loss and heartache. It was meant to happen, all of it. It was just as meant to happen as the day I was born, and the day I decided to take control of my life right before I turned 29. It was meant to happen as the person he is now engaged to be married to.

I believe we are in control of our destiny, but if something is not flowing right, if you're not ready for it then these experiences are simply glimpses of Kavod that merely happen to teach us about ourselves, about the things, or the thing that keeps us together. I think deep inside, I always knew it was missing something, or my immaturity wouldn't let me see that in order to be satisfied in a relationship, I needed to really understand what I wanted, and ultimately understand myself. And realize that I needed love that doesn't only scratch the surface, but that goes way deep beyond. A love that transcends, that flows and grows all at the same time. A love shared with one who felt the same.

Yoga brought me back to the most present love, the magnetism that keeps this world together, the gravity that keeps us grounded, the chance that created the universe and us from particles of star dust, the miracle that helped us evolve as human beings, the dopamine in our brains, the biological connection between a Mother and her child, water, sleep, the air I breath. This beautiful energy I like to call God. It works for me. It doesn't work for everyone, but just as everyone has their own beliefs, mine are right now. In the air I breath, right this moment, and the moments where I experience something powerful, like glue in the friendships I truly cherish. I am the luckiest girl alive and I appreciate the good and the bad and for what's to come.

The Kavod of this universe brought me to a place where life makes more sense in all corners of my life. I enjoy my job and I am living very comfortably. I can still be creative and share my artistic ideas with like minded individuals. I feel revived and all these beautiful teachings taken from different beliefs, truths and ideas are my new religion.

A beautiful spectrum of life.

If you were here right now I would tell you that I like you more than all the fun things we do together.

My heart is a large size pizza, and there's a slice for everyone I love.

Internal Battles

"This is a lesson in friendship... respect the thin line" a Jurassic 5 song plays in the background, while my mind and heart argue with one another.

Rationality and systematic thinking steal the little moments of spark I keep occasionally experiencing. Meditation is a battle between my emotions and my proximity to spiritual awareness. I keep trying to understand the essential goal of those tipping points and making the right decisions in a blink of an eye. I would always like to make the right decision and always say the right thing so eloquently, and hold my tongue for the sake of diplomacy when the situation calls for it.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, you'd think it gets easier the older you get, but... heh. There are things that I have tried to learn on my own and fight a battle of emotional turmoil, all alone. Perhaps I'm too proud, too jaded. Or it is probably safe to admit that my narcissism takes the best chunk of reason out of me.

I have found a certain joy and ease in living this very moment. I've taken control of my life and although I am still an imperfect human being, who struggles with the mundane things of life; I've learned to recognize how truly blessed I really am. Sometimes I take it for granted, sometimes I'm not exactly sure I understand my motives completely. They're not malicious, but I wonder if they're self-seeking because I've been taught by this culture to always look after myself. My soul struggles with my persistent mind trying to define everything because it is oh so curious, so easily intrigued and bluntly nosy.

I am sometimes found appalled and disappointed, but it is the mind who tries to convince me that I am not aware enough, not careful enough, and that lately I seem to have forgotten of my own needs. Perhaps I should review with the help of my guru and my spiritual confidant.