Internal Battles

"This is a lesson in friendship... respect the thin line" a Jurassic 5 song plays in the background, while my mind and heart argue with one another.

Rationality and systematic thinking steal the little moments of spark I keep occasionally experiencing. Meditation is a battle between my emotions and my proximity to spiritual awareness. I keep trying to understand the essential goal of those tipping points and making the right decisions in a blink of an eye. I would always like to make the right decision and always say the right thing so eloquently, and hold my tongue for the sake of diplomacy when the situation calls for it.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, you'd think it gets easier the older you get, but... heh. There are things that I have tried to learn on my own and fight a battle of emotional turmoil, all alone. Perhaps I'm too proud, too jaded. Or it is probably safe to admit that my narcissism takes the best chunk of reason out of me.

I have found a certain joy and ease in living this very moment. I've taken control of my life and although I am still an imperfect human being, who struggles with the mundane things of life; I've learned to recognize how truly blessed I really am. Sometimes I take it for granted, sometimes I'm not exactly sure I understand my motives completely. They're not malicious, but I wonder if they're self-seeking because I've been taught by this culture to always look after myself. My soul struggles with my persistent mind trying to define everything because it is oh so curious, so easily intrigued and bluntly nosy.

I am sometimes found appalled and disappointed, but it is the mind who tries to convince me that I am not aware enough, not careful enough, and that lately I seem to have forgotten of my own needs. Perhaps I should review with the help of my guru and my spiritual confidant.